Conscious Discipline: Day 2 Composure

I'm starting to suspect that this class is more of a pseudo science than entirely based off of fact. Some things appear to somewhat mimic aspects of psychology but others feel like they are reading from a book of local home remedies like when we showed up to class last Monday and they pulled out a pair of dowsing rods and tried to tell me they could measure heart energy with them. There was some more dancing too but none of that stuff translates very well into my blog so I'm going to cut to the chase.

I have an update to what I was talking about last episode. This has to do with the County's definition of a frontal lobe behavior. One of the first parenting exercises we did was to talk about our last parenting encounter. I shared with the group how sometimes I'll play off of my daughters jealousy toward her brother to get her to do things. I used the example of trying to get her to eat something she doesn't want to eat. She will tell me know and instead of arguing with her I will say, "Oh okay, I'll see if your brother wants to eat it then." My three year old will usually then scream "NO" and I will then say, "Oh you want it now?" and if I have been successful in my manipulation of my preschooler then she will say "Yes". Sometimes she will say, "Put on the table." When this happens I know that it will never leave that table so I will set it on the table, wait till she gets preoccupied with something else, and put it back in the refrigerator. The girls from Early Childhood Development then asked me if I thought my daughter was thinking with her brain stem, limbic system, or frontal lobe. She's usually crying during some part of that so I was about to say limbic but before I could one of them told me she was using her frontal lobe. I asked why that was and apparently for the purposes of this class the definition of using your frontal lobe is literally any decision good or bad. So if you read that last post and weren't clear on that aspect of the class then there you go.

Day 2's main topic was how to maintain composure when talking to your kids and how to calm them down when they are agitated. Composure is the willingness to change your internal state from upset to calm. Part of maintaining composure is perception. The only person who can effect your composure is you. If you perceive that someone or something is "making you" do something then you are giving your power to that person or object. You need your power to feel in control of your life. Without that power you don't feel safe. When we don't feel safe we make rash decisions.

The program makes some good points on how to help kids retake their composure but sort of draws a blank on how to help a parent do so. They do try to give you some help but if you don't believe in what you're saying then it won't have a lot of effect on you, but of course if your kids are more composed then you will be as well regardless of how much faith you have in the dowsing rod part of the program.

Their first composure strategy is to change the way you view your job description. Your job isn't to be the unquestioned lord almighty boss in the relationship between you and your child. Your job should be to keep your child safe and your child should play a role toward the accomplishment of that goal. You can do that by changing the way you talk a little. Use the language of safety verses the language of fear. Instead of telling your child, "Get over here before someone grabs you!" say "Come hold my hand so that I can keep you safe." You should also change 'don't make me" language to "I'm going to" statements. Say, "I'm going to pull the car over until the seatbelts are fastened and everyone is safe" instead of "Don't make me have to pull this car over." You should say things like, "See her face? Her face is saying <an emotion>" instead of "Look how you made them feel" because your kid will feel like they are in charge of some someone's emotions. Do this and your kids will view you as a protector instead of a bully, they will form helpful bonds that protect them instead of fearing others and escaping into seclusion, and you will gain confidence in yourself or at least that's what it will sound like and most of the time that's all that it'll take says the Sociologist in me.

Next we were shown some active calming techniques. These won't always work. They rely on your child to have fun in order for them to work. This won't happen if your child is too emotional (see the Safe Place) or if you have done the Drain technique to death because it's the only one you remember from class. This is why the class has four different techniques so your kid doesn't get bored as easily. There are more than 4 different ways to calm a child, for example there's the Hold which is used for calming infants, but so far this is all they have shown me in the class.

The first calming technique is the S.T.A.R. technique. S.T.A.R. stands for Smile/Stop, Take a deep breath, And Relax. You are supposed to approach the upset child and say while pointing to yourself, "I'm safe. Keep breathing <take a few deep breaths in front of the kid>. I can handle this." Then say to the kid "You're safe. Breath with me <deep breaths together>. You can handle this." After saying that to the distressed child you should see how they react, if they reacted to you then you should move on to the relaxation techniques but if they didn't then you should put them in their safe place.

The Safe Place gives children an opportunity for children to remove themselves from the group until they calm down. It is a designated corner of the room or area in the home that is away from distractions. It should be labeled Safe Place and have pictorial reminders of the relaxation techniques: S.T.A.R., Balloon, Drain, and Pretzel taped to the wall. I don't know why really yet but I think it's so you can strike up a conversation about them with your kids and increase Conscious Discipline's DVD/VHS/BETA/Laser Disk sales. You should also have a tape recorder with headphones, stuffed animals, a blanket, note pad and pencil, wave bottle, squeeze balls, and hard plastic toys in the Safe Place. There are also rules for the Safe Place:

* One person in the Safe Place at a time.

* Children can elect to go to the Safe Place on their own accord.

* Friends or siblings can suggest that others go to the Safe Place.

* Adults can take a child to the Safe Place.

That does it for this lesson. Like I said before there are more then one way to calm down kids. Anything will really work as long as it cheers the kid up. Before they put my son in daycare we used to get home visits from ECD and there was one of them who used to use Round and Round the Garden Goes the Teddy Bear which my kids just adore (there's other versions of it including … the Little Bunny Goes which has a different ending) so if you think your kids are getting tired of doing one of these exercises I'd try adding a new one to your arsenal.