Movie Review: Crawl

Conclusion: You won't care that Barry Pepper thinks his movie daughter can run faster than an alligator.

I recently purchased the movie Crawl on my Vudu account and I have to say it's to die for. Crawl is sort of like a What IF... sequel to the movie Jason Goes to Hell only instead of having his heart eaten by a mortician it gets gobbled up by a nest of alligators and a whole bunch of alligators become imbued with the spirit of notorious supernatural serial killer Jason Voorhees. Like most Sam Raimi movies the number of injuries your two main protagonists are able to sustain is ridiculous in the best way. You will be having so much fun watching this movie that you won't realize or care that you just watched:

• a guy 100% fix a compound fracture by applying a tourniquet,

• that a 500 pound alligator that has been crashing or borderline magically teleporting through windows this whole time suddenly has problems breaking through a glass shower door because the main protagonist is on the other side,

• that you just watched a 20 year old girl outswim two adult alligators even though they have an average swim speed of 20 miles per hour and the fastest recorded human speed was set by Frédérick Bousquet at 5.342 miles per hour,

• that alligators hunt by sight and not by waiting for something to thrash wildly around in the water like a shark does,

• that most people would go into hypovolemic shock if they were to suddenly lose an arm,

• and that people in Florida encounter alligators on a fairly regular basis and attacks usually only happen if you go over there and mess around with them because they preferer not to eat people when easier food sources.

Even though all that happened I still really enjoyed this movie and hope it just gets way campier from here if they ever do a sequel. Like I hope there's an alliga-nato that forces Haley and here dad with the new cybernetic arm to save the President level cheese.